HERE LATELY I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING 10 TO11 HOURS A DAY. I AM WORRIED THAT SOMETHING IS WORNG. I STAY TIRED AND I SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY. I AM 33 AND I A FARELY HEATHLY PERSON. I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND THIS. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOOSEING MY MIND. ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP. MAYBE I AM THIS WAY BECAUSE I AM DEPRESSED BUT I DON'T FEEL DEPRESSED. I FEEL DEFEATED MORE THAN ANYTHING. SOMETHING IN MY LIFE HAS TO CHANGE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT DIRECTION TO GO IN. SOMETHING HAS TO HAPPEN AND SOON. I AM 33 AND I SHOULD BE SO MANY THINGS BY NOW, A WIFE , A MOTHER, A TEACHER, AND MORE, INSTEDAD I AM STILL LIVING AT MY PARENTS HOUSE DRIVING MY MOM AROUND. I HATE GETTING UP TO GET READY TO GO ANYWHERE. I JUST WANT TO STAY IN BED.... I SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
THIS TIME LAST YEAR I WAS ENGAGED TO A MAN AND WE HAD ONLY KNEW EACH OTHER FOR A SHORT TIME. I LIKED HIM AND HE WAS NICE TO ME BUT THERE WAS NO LOVE THERE. I AM THE KIND OF PERSON THAT REALLY DOESN'T BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR FALLING IN LOVE. I BELIEVE THAT LOVE IS A CHOICE AND I KNEW THAT IF HE AND I WORKED AT IT THINGS WOULD BE OKAY. WELL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TRUE IF I HAD JUST LET THINGS HAPPEN, BUT I GOT FREAKED.
THE DRESS WAS IN LAYAWAY AND THINGS WERE ON A ROLL,BUT I JUST COULDN'T GET PASSED THE FACT THAT I WAS GOING TO BE MARRIED. THAT WAS A BIG STEP.
WELL I BROKE OFF THE MARRIAGE AND ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. HE TOOK IT VERY BADLY. I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HIM AND I KNOW THAT I DID AND I AM TRULY SORRY FOR WHAT I DID.
NOT TO LONG AGO I STARTED TALKING TO HIM AGAIN AND I HOPE THAT I AM NOT MAKING A MISTAKE. HE DID HAVE SOME ANGER ISSUES AND SOME PERSONALITY ISSUES. I KNOW THAT HE IS A GOOD PERSON BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW HE WILL HANDLE THINGS WHEN THEY ARE NOT THE WAY HE WANTS THEM TO BE. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I KNOW THAT HE WILL DO WHAT EVER I WANT BUT I AM NOT SURE THAT I REALLY WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM. I CAN NOT MAKE HIM WHAT I WANT. YOU CANT CHANGE PEOPLE AND PEOPLE RARELY EVER CHANGE. THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE I REALIZE THAT WE SHOULD JUST BE FRIENDS AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. I JUST HOPE THAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I FIND THE NEED TO HAVE A CHILD VERY PRESSING. I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW AND HAVE A FAMILY. INSTEAD I AM FORCED TO WATCH PEOPLE THAT HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING PARENTS HAVE CHILD AFTER CHILD AND I JUST STAND ON THE SIDE LINES.. I KNOW THAT I SOUND A LITTER BITTER BUT I AM NOT. I AM HAPPY WITH MY LIFE AND I KNOW THAT ALL THINGS HAPPEN WHEN THEY ARE MEANT TO, ITS JUST THAT SOMETIMES I HAVE TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING WHY MY LIFE IS AT A STAND STILL. ITS LIKE I AM WAITING FOR SOMETHING MAJOR TO HAPPEN BUT IT NEVER DOES.
I WANT SO MANY THINGS OUT OF LIFE BUT IT SEEMS LIKE I AM STUCK. I AM 33 AND I AM STILL WITH MY PARENTS I HAVEN'T FINISHED COLLEGE YET AND MY JOB IS A DEAD END JOB. EVERYTHING I THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN HAS NOT. WHEN I DO GET THINGS GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION THE RUG GETS PULLED OUT FORM UNDER ME. I AM TIRED OF GETTING LIED TO BY MEN AND USED BY FRIENDS. SO ALL I DO IS STAY AT HOME OR DRIVE MY MOM AROUND. I HAVE TOTALLY GIVEN UP.
I WANT TO FINISH SCHOOL AND GET MY LIFE STARTED. I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A MAN TO MAKE ME HAPPY, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE LOVED FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. I KNOW THAT I CAN ADOPT CHILDREN AND THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF BEING A MOM, ITS JUST THAT I WANTED A DAD TO GO ALONG WITH THE WHOLE DEAL.... I FEEL LIKE I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME... 40 IS NOT TO FAR AWAY AND I WANT MY OWN LIFE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE DEAL IS.
Friday, January 9, 2009
I ran and hid from your because I was ashamed- ashamed of the unspeakable things i had done- You did n not rebuke me
My soul was rotten and you did not cast me away- instead you bathed me in your redeeming light- Your blood forever washed my sins away- You laid claim to my soul- You FORGAVE ME-
When i turned and hid my face from you and denied the love you bestowed on me- YOU FROGAVE ME- You picked me out from among the damned and gave me your eternal grace- all I have to do is BELIVE- BELIVE---BELIVE-
How do I believe? -It is in my nature to doubt my heart-my mind- Logic- Reason- my sanity-BELIVE!-How?-
I relinquish all control unto you I deny my mother-my farther-my sisters and brother and give my soul to you- YOU-
The one who bought and paid for my soul in BLOOD- I was human- YOU FROGAVE ME- YOU SAVED ME-
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sometimes we have to crawl before we can take baby steps. It seams like every time i get on my feet i wind up with the rug pulled out from under my feet. I moved and was hoping to start over, but i winded up more in dept then i started out..
I want so much to finish school and start teaching. i want to get my own place and start my own life. I really don't understand why i cant get things together. I had surgery in Jan 07 and it took me a year to recover totally from that.
This year I hope things will come together for me. I just want to be the independent person I used to be. So now I am at a steady crawl and soon i will be taking baby steps.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
DILLON,LIBBY LOGAN SUMMER 08
LIBBY AND ME SUMMER 08.. I HATE THAT SHE MOVED.. I MISS HER AND HER FAMILY SO MUCH!
Posted by LEAH PUDER PALMER at 12:21 PM
This new year promises to bring hope to us all. New things are on the horizon: for the first time in history people have broke tradition and stepped out of the box in hopes of taking our country in a better direction. Collectively the nation is holding its breath waiting to see if our new president will deliver on his promises. What will happen in the middle east? Will the U.S. pull out and leave people to fight for themselves and loose what ground has been gained. If we do pull out will it make a difference will things take 2 steps back and be over run with the Taliban? How will innocent people defend themselves? How can we turn a blind eye to defenseless people loosing there lives? Then the question is raised, why don't the U.S. help other nations in need?
What about Somalia? Something needs to be done, how can the World stand by while all kinds of unimaginable injustices are taking place? Why don't we help more? Then there is the economy. I really don't have to say anything about that. So we are all holding our breath to see what direction the nation will go in.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Posted by LEAH PUDER PALMER at 9:23 PM